THE SCAR: SINGLE MOTHERHOOD AND THE CHILD

Being a single mother is a tough experience. This is not about a single mother who has lost her husband in death or through a means she absolutely had no control over. This is about the single mother who got pregnant by a guy she thought loved her or a guy she got married to but bailed on her.

But there are two levels of single motherhood: the mature and the immature; not by age but by acceptance. Want to recognize them from afar; it’s as easy as ABC. You can figure it out from their relationship with their kids and how they treat their kids. The similarity between the two can’t even be pointed out because there is almost none. Perhaps, the similarity between the two is the reminder but the means are absolutely different.

The matured single mother is one who has accepted her fate. She has accepted that the father of the child has bailed and there is absolutely nothing she can do about it. So she plays the role of both mother and father, striving above all things to provide for her child. She never lets her guard down, nor tries to make her child hate their father. She is hurt when her child tries to relate with their father in one way or the other but she doesn’t impose the choice on them. She does one thing every woman will d though: not hurtfully, but try to remind the child that the father would definitely bail again because he has done it once.

The immature single mother does almost opposite. It is worse if she never accepts her fate and keeps waiting for the moment when the dad will come out of nowhere and make everything right and instead of doing what she has got to do, she just feels sorry for herself, forgetting she has a responsibility. So the one who has accepted her fate but is absolutely immature: She hits her child, insults him or her and reminds him or her each and every second of his or her life that the father is a complete psycho who has ruined her life. She insults the child all the time, using the father. She is always saying things that are hurtful. She says she wants the best for her child but what she actually wants is for her child to be what she wished she was, not positively but in a controlling way. She may not notice but she finds fault in every single thing the child does. She hates herself and the child though she doesn’t know it. Yes, she may be loving towards child most or least of the times but that is just a natural affection of a mother.

These are the single mothers who always cause the problem. They do not think for a single moment the effects of their words and actions. What hurt the most are the words. The words form deep scars in their hearts. The question I keep asking myself is “what does venting your anger and frustration on the child does to you?”  The child, like it or not does not forget for a single moment what the mother says. She grows up with that scar.

I have lived around single mothers and I had one myself so trust me when I say I know exactly what I’m talking about. Many parents do not know this but a child knows how to handle abandonment, at least most children do. A child is such that, a single experience leaves some sort of mark. The child knows the father has bailed before so might not let him in his or her life at all. Others might but not fully. Not because of what mummy has said but because they are scared that they would be too scarred if he bails again. They may not show it but they are tough, tougher than anyone would ever imagine them to be.

Mothers should stop hurting your children because of what the father has done. It is what mothers say and do that push them into looking for their fathers, wanting to find out exactly what went wrong. Don’t call your child ungrateful when this happens. Look back and know that it was your entire fault.

 

PS: I’m always not experienced, just inspired but in this, I have some sort of experience.